After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
