so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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