I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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