Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
