If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
