Need sex. Gaining weight.
now i know why i became what i already was.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
