Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
