i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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