Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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