Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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