I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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