I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
