I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
