Apparently you make a good broom.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
