Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
