My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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