My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
