I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
