After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
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Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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