It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
