At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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