Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
