i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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