i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
