Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
