the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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