Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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