I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
