He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
