remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
