They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
