i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
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I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
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Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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