i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
