You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
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she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
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Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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