Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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