I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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