ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize