I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
