DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
