The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
tell me about the eggs
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
