Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
