Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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