Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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