Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Boobs are out for the taking
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
