Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
