How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
