Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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