My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
