im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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