I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
