the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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