He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
