he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
