when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
