Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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